you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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