I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
