my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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