Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you had me at cake vodka
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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