I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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