when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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