you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
