he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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