Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
