That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
