if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
