Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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