Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
