You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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