Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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