shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
