There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
