just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
