remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
