and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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