Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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