she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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