why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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