i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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