Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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