I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
