made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
