I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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