Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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