did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
