I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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