Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
