so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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