just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
