Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
