I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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