Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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