my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
