Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
