Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
