when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
