first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
