My friends, they love my intelligence
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize