I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
