just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
