this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
