saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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