She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
