I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
