Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
