Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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