I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ttyl tear gas
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
