there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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