I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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