I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
