My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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