I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
