I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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