bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
