Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
