I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
