A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
As shirtless as possible
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
