Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
