At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
